Exposing Ourselves to Grow



Fears and anxieties – why can’t we just avoid them?

When we are highly anxious or have a fear of certain situations or objects, our natural reaction is to simply avoid them. On the surface this makes sense; why do something that causes an uncomfortable reaction in you when you can avoid it all together? However, the more we listen to the fear or anxiety, the more power and control it has over us.

 

We usually cannot avoid the fear-inducing situation or object forever and in adopting this avoidance behaviour we are very often depriving ourselves of experiences, adventures and connections. The avoidance tactic we use to protect ourselves actually works against us and has the opposite effect. It restricts our lives even further, with our enjoyment and happiness suffering – exactly what we are trying to protect by avoiding the situation or object. 

 

 

How do I overcome my fear or anxiety?

The most effective scientific approach to eliminating a fear or anxiety is to systematically expose yourself to the situation or object which scares you as opposed to avoiding it altogether. The simple act of repeatedly exposing ourselves to the thing we’re afraid of, ideally in a positive way, will gradually bring down the physiological fear response until it’s gone, or at least manageable. The more you face down your fear, the more power and control you will have over it.

 

In order to make this process more manageable we need to start small and gradually build our tolerance up. Think of this as a ladder, which will take you from where you are now, up to being able to face and/or tackle your fear or anxiety head on. Each rung on the ladder will take you from a situation currently tolerable and under control, to those that are increasingly challenging at each step up, until you reach the top of the ladder. Here you are able to be in the situation or face the object you were once avoiding. It may not feel completely comfortable when you get there, but the idea is you can be in its company and not run away from it. We want to step to the edge of our comfort zone with each rung, getting a little more comfortable again, and then take another step up towards the new edge of the zone.

 

 

How to start

Often the act of writing down our fears and anxieties, admitting them and understanding them can be a great first step in starting to face them. It also gives us an opportunity to see how we might be able to break it down into those smaller rungs on the ladder.

 

If you have a fear or anxiety you have been avoiding try asking yourself the following questions to get you moving towards facing it:

 

1. What is your fear or anxiety? What situation or object do you fear? Write it down. Acknowledging your fear or anxiety is the first step in reducing its power over you. We are more scared of what we don’t know, than what we do know.

  • For example; social anxiety, speaking to strangers

 

2. How does your anxiety make you feel? Write down how you feel physically, mentally and emotionally in times of high anxiety.

  • For example; hot, clammy, lost voice, jumbled words, scared, terrified

 

3. What does your fear or anxiety stop you doing? This is important to understand as it is your motivation as to why you are facing it and understanding exactly how your life can be better by facing your fear or anxiety.

  • For example; making friends, connections, enjoyment in your work, at home or community, going out to events, trying new activities, joining a sports team, a class

 

4. Who can you share it with? Find someone you can share your fear or anxiety with, what it is stopping you from doing and how it makes you feel. Having someone to talk to about your fear or anxiety can help further reduce its power.

  • For example; a close friend, a colleague, a coach

 

5. How will your life be better? Be optimistic. Say positive reminders to yourself and speak positively about the situation or object. Remember what it will enable you to do. You can practice visualizing yourself adapting and having a positive experience and outcome.

  • For example; your world will open up, you will make new friends, have a sense of belonging, enjoyment, activities, potential work progression, improved health or start a hobby

 

6. What is the easiest first step? No step is too small. Each step you take needs to push you slightly but not terrify you. It needs to move you to the edge of your comfort zone but not outside it.

  • For example; say hello to someone in the lift when you get in

 

7. How did you do? Take a moment to reflect on how you did and be proud of yourself for going for it. Celebrate the little victories.

  • For example: share your thoughts with your support person. What did it feel like to feel the fear? And how did that compare to how you felt in the moment and after?

 

8. What is the next step? When you have achieved your first step and have repeated it several times so that it feels comfortable, what is the next small step you can take?

  • For example; say hello to someone in the lift and ask a question ‘how is your day?’, ‘what did you do at the weekend?’

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