Becoming Better Communicators

---

Knowing how to communicate effectively is the key to any relationship. Whether you’re giving a presentation at work, working out a disagreement with your significant other, or just having a chat with a friend, knowing how to articulate your ideas and listen to those of others is crucial.

 

Communication styles

Every person has a unique communication style, a way in which they interact and exchange information with others. However individual communication styles usually fall within four basic categories:

• Passive
• Aggressive
• Passive-aggressive
• Assertive

It’s important to understand each communication style, and why individuals use them. Equally important is to understand which style is the most effective and how to develop that style of communication for yourself.

 

Passive communication

Often used by those who want to come off as indifferent about the topic at hand. They tend to like to keep the peace and avoid conflict. They keep their opinions to themselves and usually fail to express their feelings or needs, allowing others to express themselves, which can lead to misunderstanding, frustration or resentment. Passive communicators often display a lack of eye contact, poor body posture and an inability to say “no”.

 

Examples of phrases used by those with a passive communication style are:

• “It really doesn’t matter that much.”
• “I just want to keep the peace.”
• “I’ll go with the majority.”

 

Aggressive communication

Aggressive communicators openly express their opinions without hesitation, often in a loud and controlling voice. They often issue commands, ask questions rudely or abruptly, and fail to listen to others. But they can also be considered leaders and command respect from those around them. The aggressive communication style is emphasised by maintaining intense eye contact, pointing fingers, standing their ground and dominating or controlling others by blaming, intimidating, criticizing, threatening or attacking them.

 

Examples of phrases used by those with an aggressive communication style are:

• “I’m right and you’re wrong.”
• “You should think like me.”
• “It’s all your fault.”

 

Passive aggressive communication

Passive-aggressive communication style is used when people speak as if they don’t care about something (passive), but in a way that is indirectly angry (aggressive). People will use this style of communication because, although they have formed an opinion on the topic being discussed, they are worried about what others might think of it. Passive-aggressive communicators will often mutter to themselves rather than confront a person or issue. When people are using this style, they might give someone the silent treatment or talk about the issue with someone who isn’t a part of it to avoid the situation altogether.

 

Examples of phrases used by those with a passive aggressive communication style are:

• “I don’t care, but someone else might.”
• “Sure, we can do things your way, but it probably won’t work.”
• “I think you did a good job, but others might not.”

 

Assertive communication

The assertive communication style features open communication while not being overbearing, this is thought to be the most effective style. Assertive communicators express their thoughts directly, yet politely, while also being sensitive and respectful of the needs of others. They respect all values, thoughts, and ideas, and speak in a calm voice while making non-threatening eye contact.

 

One of the key signs of an assertive communicator is the use of “I” statements, for example “I feel frustrated when you are late for a meeting.” It indicates ownership of feelings and behaviours without blaming the other person.

 

Assertive communication is very effective because it relies on two-way conversations. Not only does it include politely expressing opinions, but it also consists of asking for feedback and listening to other people’s differing ideas, which strengthens the conversation and information flow.

 

Examples of phrases used by those with an assertive communication style are:

• “Even though I don’t agree, I respect your opinion.”
• “What are all of the options here?”
• “I think we should go with this method.”

 

Tips to become an assertive communicator

Understanding how others communicate can be key to getting your message across to them. Here are some tips for becoming a more assertive communicator:

 

Be honest – with your own thoughts, but also while responding to others. If you disagree, do so but be kind in doing so.

 

Listen – listen to understand the other persons view point, not just to respond

 

Agree to disagree – it’s perfectly ok to agree to disagree - politely, if you cannot reach a joint conclusion.

 

Remain calm – take deep breaths, relax your face and keep your voice at a normal level.

 

Take ownership – use “I” statements to avoid the use of blame.

 

Although communicating assertively doesn’t guarantee the desired outcome, it does lay the ideal foundation that will more likely provice a mutually agreeable solution. It also offers the communicator with two profound personal benefits regardless of the outcome:

• The satisfaction that the issue was tackled and that there is no regret over the things that we didn’t say, or wish we had said.
• The positive feeling over the way the issue was handles from our end – in a polite, respectful way but also doing everything in our power to encourage the ideal outcome.