Becoming Better Listeners

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Listening is so much more than hearing. It’s what happens when we not only open our ears, but also open our minds, and sometimes our hearts, to another person. Being a good listener is an extremely powerful skill, and arguably the most important communication skill for building relationships. 

 

Listening versus hearing

Knowing the difference between listening and hearing is a good place to start on our way to becoming a better listener.

Hearing is a sense. It happens when sound hits our ear drums and involves the processing of sound by the brain. We hear a truck outside the window. We hear children playing in the garden. We hear our friend or loved one’s voice. Hearing is a passive physical process. It’s not something that we “do,” rather it’s the detection of sound waves by our ears, which is then interpreted by our brain.

Listening, on the other hand, is an action we consciously take. When we listen, we go beyond simply hearing words by giving our attention to what is being said, and how it is being said. Listening involves empathy - the act of putting ourself in another’s shoes, attempting to understand what he or she is feeling with respect and without judgement. This doesn’t mean we have to accept or agree with everything another person says, but it does allow us to understand them and appreciate where they are at.

 

Why do we need to be better listeners?

Have you ever been in the situation where you have talked to someone about something that is bothering you or upsetting you and they have dismissed it, offered a helpless solution to ‘fix it’ or counteracted it with something ‘similar’, or worse, that they have been through? Or they have been ‘listening’ but not there, checking their phone, looking behind you or moving the conversation on. How did that make you feel? Probably not great, that your problem didn’t matter, that you should just be grateful for what you have or that you are wrong to feel the way you did?

 

Being a good listener is such a valuable skill which is rewarding for both the listened to and the listener. Listeners help people through their thoughts and feelings. Listeners offer peace and consolation. They celebrate and appreciate good news or achievements. And in the process, listeners receive the internal and external gratification of being there for someone else. 

 

How to become a better listener

Listening can feel at times like a lost art. However, being a good listener can help you in every aspect of your life, with family, friends and with colleagues at work. Below are some key tips to becoming a better listener:

 

1. Focus on the person, not the problem – whilst our natural instinct is to solve someone’s problem, make it better, make it go away, this is not helpful or what the person is probably wanting. They just want to vent, to talk, to share, to feel connected and often that is enough to help them, if not solve their issue, go some way to managing it. There is a time and a place for advice – when someone asks for it!

 

2. Indicate you’re listening with subtle cues – let the person know that you’re interested by nodding your head, murmuring “mmm hmmm,” and match their gaze. If they have direct eye contact with you, maintain that eye contact, however if their gaze drops away, match it by dropping your gaze.

 

3. Ask open ended questions – being a good listener usually requires some question-asking. How you ask questions really does matter. It’s not just about finding out the facts, it’s allowing the person to express their feelings, which allows you to empathise, which in turns makes the other person feel heard, understood and supported. Open-ended questions communicate that you’re interested and care about the other person. Closed questions communicate that you care about information.

Try the following:

• Instead of: Why are you upset? Try: How are you feeling?
• Instead of: Was work stressful again? Try: How was work?

Sometimes it can be hard to open the questioning, so here are a few generic open-ended questions that work well in almost any scenario;

• What was that like for you?
• Can you tell me more about that?
• How did you feel about that?
• Avoid beginning with Why and use What or How instead. Why tends to make people feel like they’re being questioned and judged whereas How and What feel more neutral and factual.

 

4. Reflect back what you’re hearing – repeat back (in your own words) what the person across from you has said. This shows the other person they have been understood, you have connected with them and their problem, it shows you care and are actually listening. For example:

• Statement: I was just so upset and angry and sad. I had so much going on in my head and I couldn’t speak or know where to start.
• Reflect back: It seems like you were really overwhelmed.

 

5. Validate their emotions – when we acknowledge and validate how someone feels, we send a very powerful message that we understand them and are with them. We often feel guilt or anxiety over our emotions. When we validate another person’s emotion by simply naming it and acknowledging that we understand it, we tell that person it is ok to feel whatever it is they feel without shame or fear. For example:

• Statement: I was just so upset and angry and sad. I had so much going on in my head and I couldn’t speak or know where to start. 
• Validating: I can see how that’d make you feel really sad and angry.

Listening is a skill. Luckily, skills can be developed over time. Becoming a good listener can make a significant positive difference to your own mental wellbeing and the people around you, so it can be an incredibly valuable asset.